Exams had ended and my past week had been lacklustre. I dislike myself in such a state where I have no idea what I'm supposed to do for the day. I became distraught. I became worried. I started to really set myself into deep thoughts regarding my life, and what I do want to achieve in the years to come.
There are so many things holding me back that I was not able to take the first step. Insecurity, social value and what not. Low confidence and insecurity has always been my greatest flaws since young. I do not have good looks, not really in shape, not someone you would like to have to be a lifelong partner, not confident etc. I realised this and I wanted to change all these. I do not want to be a loner who is just waiting for opportunities to come, or for someone to appear who really appreciates who I am. Will I ever find this person?
I do have interest in some of the girls I met but the feeling was never mutual. Got rejected, and then I fall back to my fundemental flaws again. Sometimes, I just feel that I'm never worthy of someone's love. However, deep down in my heart, I do believe that the someone is also looking for me, a better me that is.
My life starts to lose momentum. I discovered that I'm not as proactive as I used to be. I lost interest in alot of stuffs, and gave in to temptations. This is not right. The devilish functions attacks and I unknowingly fell into their hands. I need to get out, I need to fight to return to the high life condition to handle matters.
I'm 24 and there's nothing to my name. I'm not earning my keeps. I'm not academically impressive, not physically impressive. I always wondered why I have issues like this. I want to change but I'm always stopped by my own errornous belief. As 2014 is coming to an end, I guess, I need to really fix a direction I want in my life.
I participated in this Youth Friendship for Peace event this year. It was not exceptionally enjoyable, probably due to my fluctuating life conditions. However, there were enjoyable moments as well. I tried to fulfil my role as district leader and as a CIC, while I thought I am managing quite well, I realised actually I could not manage at all. My member whom I have been following up with told me to leave him alone. As much as I do understand he needs personal space, but I can't help but feel very disappointed in myself for not being able to reach out to him and encourage him. It felt even worse when I do not know the reason for him closing up to kosen-rufu activities. Have I done something wrong? My whole semester is seemingly affected by this incapability, and my results eventually got affected as well.
Well, I never thought of being the best CIC or district leader whatsoever, I just want to do whatever I can for the people around me so as to encourage them. While some methods work for some, some dont. I just felt that I have not yet able to inspire anyone with my life.
This moment on, I got to change. I got to do my human revolution. I want to treat people with a sincere heart. I want to look into people's eyes and tell them that I really care. I want to inspire people around me with my life. Perhaps, I haven't given my all in my life yet that I'm facing these issues. I decided to give my very best in all that I do from now on. I shall study hard. Study hard to achieve the best ever results in SMU for my last semester. I shall study hard on the Buddhist study to equip myself with the knowledge to be a better person. I shall chant hard. Chant that I'm able to reach the highest life condition to deal with daily matters. Chant that I'm able to inspire people around me through the words I say and the actions I do. Chant that I'm able to live a life joyously. I shall not be in this lacklustre state anymore.
I want to be someone who has my own opinions. I want to be sure of what I want in my life and go all out to achieve it. This process is gonna be a struggle but I do not have much time. I need to get this done immediately. I need to sort out my life.
Ok this shall be it. Will pen down various thoughts I have during this process here. Let the transformation begin.
No comments:
Post a Comment